


At Times

by Garnigal



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-10
Updated: 2010-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-08 13:29:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/76125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garnigal/pseuds/Garnigal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At times, everyone takes different roles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Times

At times, Inara considered herself an anthropologist, standing apart from the rest of the crew, regarding them dispassionately, preparing a neutral account of their odd habits and behaviours.

But she was so deeply enmeshed in thier lives, how could she describe them without revealing her love?

At times, Inara considered herself a gilded butterfly, passing through uncharted and not entirely wholesome territory as she migrated from Eden to Eden.

But the hardness of the planets she passed through inspired her, and the simplicity of the ship that carried her felt like home.

At times, Inara considered herself a mother, enmeshed in the family she'd helped to build, she'd sworn to protect and she'd been born to love.

But they drove her mad, made her long for the peace of her House, of not being relied on for anything.

At times Inara considered herself a whore, selling everything she thought she'd believed in for one more day with a man who didn't believe in anything.

But isn't that what love is?

***

At times, Mal considered himself a ringmaster, wearing a fancy suit, holding a microphone and trying to keep the lions from eating the kids in the front row.

But he knew he wasn't really in control, no matter what his title was.

At times, Mal considered himself an angry bear, roaring his pain and loneliness into the trackless forest.

But his roars were answered by soothing rumbles, and his anger was only on the surface.

At times, Mal considered himself a father, bemused and confused by the actions and emotions of his family, but determined to keep them safe and happy.

But they tortured him, ignoring his advice, challenging his authority.

At times, Mal considered himself a criminal, taking jobs his ma wouldn't have approved of, from people his pa would have run off the ranch with a shotgun and a couple of angry dogs.

But he was the Captain, and had to be willing to do anything to stay in the air.

***

At times, River was trapped in Inara's mind, thinking anthropologically, writing up her etic notes on the strangeness of those around her.

But she knew it wasn't really her, thinking so clearly and analytically.

At times, River was trapped in Mal's mind, thinking of angry bears and empty forests.

But she knew it wasn't really her, lonley and waiting for the soothing rumbles.

At times, River was trapped in Inara's mind, thinking of mothering the family she was surrounded by and she'd grown to love.

But she knew it wasn't really her, loving but longing for peace, caring but tired of being relied on.

At times, River was trapped in Mal's mind, thinking of herself as a criminal, ashamed of the jobs they were taking, embarrassed by the people they were working for.

But she knew it wasn't really him, pushing all the shame away to keep Serenity flying.

She knew when it wasn't actually her thoughts, worried and dreamy, analytical and shamed. But she couldn't push them away, couldn't stop the thoughts from making her act insane. Couldn't stop her from frightening Kaylee, from annoying Book, from freaking out Jayne, from confusing Wash, from worrying Simon, from intriguing Inara, from unsettling Zoe, and from scaring, bothering, disorienting, perplexing, concerning, fascinating, and disturbing Mal.

She knew when it wasn't her, but she still couldn't always tell when it was.


End file.
